


oh, leave your mark

by jujubiest



Series: SPN One-Shots [19]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean is going to get Cas back, DeanCas - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, Ignores 15x20, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Not A Fix-It, One Shot, Post 15x19, Sam Winchester appears briefly, Tattoos, but this is about before that happens, castiel (mentioned) - Freeform, no beta-readers we die like my faith in TV writers did in 2020, the handprint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-18 11:42:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28866459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jujubiest/pseuds/jujubiest
Summary: Dean is determined to get Cas back. But until he does, there's something he needs.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: SPN One-Shots [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/177362
Comments: 3
Kudos: 49





	oh, leave your mark

Dean leaves before the sun is up. He moves through the bunker as quietly as possible, keys in hand and a bundle under his arm, trying not to wake Sam. The air outside is cold and damp, and he hunches his shoulders against it and clenches his teeth to keep them from chattering. He deposits the bundle in the passenger seat.

The drive takes a little over two hours, even with no traffic. By the time he pulls up in front of the building and parks, the sun is over the horizon and halfway to burning the clammy chill out of the air. He grabs the bundle without looking at it and heads inside. The place normally wouldn’t be open this early, but the owner made an exception for this appointment. He’s grateful. He isn’t sure how he’d explain to Sam why he needs to go to a tattoo parlor without talking about too many other things he isn’t ready to hash out.

Sal, the owner, greets him with a handshake and a smile. He’s gotten plenty of business from them in the past, when they sent green hunters his way for anti-possession tattoos. He’s a good guy, he does custom work, and most importantly for Dean’s purposes, he isn’t chatty or nosy. He doesn’t even raise an eyebrow when Dean unrolls the jacket and smooths it out on the counter.

Then again, he’s seen it before. Dean sent pictures when he was setting up the appointment so Sal could get started on the design. But he had wanted to see it in person to refine some details. So Dean had clenched his jaw and steeled his nerves, and pulled the jacket from his bottom drawer, where it had lived ever since…

He looks away as Sal examines the handprint, fighting down a strange mixture of possessiveness and panicky tension. The jacket doesn’t mean anything, not really, not beyond a painful reminder. Not for the first time, he insists to himself that the bloody print on its shoulder is _not_ the last bit of Cas he has left. Because he’s going to get Cas back, eventually.

And after all, isn’t that why he’s here? To make sure he has a permanent reminder of what he’s fighting for.

As if he could ever forget. But...still.

He wants, needs _something_. Some visual evidence that Cas changed Dean as much as he said Dean changed him. He wants Cas pressed into every inch of his skin, wants to press back so Cas knows he isn’t alone, that he can _have_ as well as be, whatever he wants.

But until then, this is what he’s settling for. Clinging to.

And if every hot stab of the tattoo gun feels like a surge of vindication, of _yes, I deserve this for_ _all the_ _pain I put you through_? Cas never needs to know that, or that Dean relished every second of that pain. He’s pretty sure Cas wouldn’t find it romantic in the least.

Romance is a foreign language to Dean, but he’s always been fluent in pain.

When Sal is done he wraps Dean’s shoulder in cling-wrap. His skin still is still tingling underneath, and he feels a little blissed out from the endorphin rush. He’ll have to be careful driving back to the bunker, but he’ll manage. It certainly won’t be the first time he’s driven while not at full capacity (though usually it’s from adrenaline, or too little sleep. Or, once, a concussion).

He pays Sal for the work and thanks him for the unorthodox appointment time. Sal shakes his hand again and gives him some reminders on the aftercare. Then heads home, taking the back roads so he can go slower.

When he gets back to the bunker, Sam is awake and in the library. He looks annoyed when Dean comes in, but that quickly fades to surprise when he sees Dean’s hand move to cover his cling-wrapped arm.

“You got a tattoo?”

Dean grunts in answer and heads for his room. The endorphin high is fading, replaced by the all-too-familiar numbness he’s been living in for the last few weeks. He’ll have to change the cling-wrap in an hour or two, but for now he just wants to crawl back in bed.

“C’mon Dean...what’d you get?”

Dean doesn’t answer. He knows he’s being a dick, but really...he’s just tired. He’s always tired now. Instead of explaining, he tosses his bundled-up jacket in Sam’s direction. He can figure it out from there. And hopefully, by the time Dean wakes up he’ll have drawn enough of his own conclusions that he won’t feel the need to _talk_ about it.

Sam doesn’t follow  as Dean makes his way to his room , and he doesn’t say anything else. Dean can only be grateful for that. He shuts his door firmly and collapses into bed with his clothes still on, careful not to lay  directly  on his left side.  He stares at the ceiling and waits for sleep to pull him under.

Sometimes he dreams that Cas is here, that they’ve skipped right to the part where he’s home safe and they’ve got their shit figured out, finally. Waking up from those dreams hurts like hell, but that doesn’t keep Dean from hoping for them whenever he closes his eyes.  He hopes for one now.

He falls asleep with his left shoulder  still  tingling, imagining it’s from the touch of a familiar hand.


End file.
